we dare you to mean a single word you say

((MY BRAIN'S IN A BOX SOMEWHERE AROUND HERE))


Fucking dust. I hate allergies. My foot hurts. I don't think I'm thinking in short phrases but I probably am. Music... The Cooper Temple Clause. YES. Beat out all those thoughts. Especially the ones going la la la you're a terrible person you threw up on someone's HOUSE la la la ow how is that even possible ow la la and left the only piece of incriminating evidence la la la and you're pointless and la la la yeah fun shmun...

Last night was good. Except for leaning over a sink for a few hours. Even that could have been worse. Walking home this morning every Bright Eyes song sounded like it was applicable to my life - just like I always wanted.

What's more important, thoughts or actions?

My family always said that all my memories were based in food association. And so we begin:

Picnic. We brought food in Sainsburies in Poole; picnic with rose wine and white bread. Went to Cheryls, 'give us fire' - whisky in little bottles.

BBQ at beach. Fail sausage, ketchup reverting to bubble tomatoes when heated. Goethe and walking to the pub.

(skipping Bournemouth and groynes... no food.)

Mailee's party. Punch!

Tower park, pizza.

We walked by the river bank and I kicked the heads off dandilions. I don't think we ate but there was so much green it gets put as consumption of colour.

I think we went to the beach and drank cider and things.

Eurovision... did I bring m&ms with me? (Re-reading texts now. Did the tone change, there?)

I think we went to talent call, and I drank lots of free water and we took strange busses which were relatively unexpensive and when I came home I ate a horrible old chocolate cupcake. And juice. The juice was quite nice. Everything was weird and didn't make sense. Dancing was awesome.

We walked around Poole Park and hid in the reeds...

Folk festival, pims in the pub, drinking pear 'cider' on the bridge, old stone and trying to work out how to get bottle caps off, then smushed in a heap on the grass with everyone.

Beach times, pub times, sitting in a cricket field talking and feeling happy and centred but uncertain what those words mean. Believe!

Exams end, and Matt has a gig... at Mr Kyps. The end of eating fried eggs and rasberries, or oreos and baked beans. I poured lime cordial over someone's head. Someone got a subway.

Went to Devon. Wrote. Maple syrup and walnut ice cream. Boiling eggs at random hours. The Winking Prawn.

And then I got tonsilitis. And I tried to eat dark chocolate and it really hurt... I haven't been able to eat it since then, except last night. And that wasn't dark chocolate, that was a bar of cocoa. YUM. 90% win. When I had tonsilitis I did try eating ice cream, but most of the time I couldn't eat at all. I remember crying over a thin slice of melon of which I could eat nothing because it hurt too bad. So I went to the prom and smiled and chatted and ended up not being able to sing in my final choir show with my school. And I still couldn't eat, I only had a jd and coke there... Then it was my last day of school. I sucked sweets to numb myself so I could thank stuck up fools. I ate couscous. Then I went to Hop Farm Festival. I ate a burrito. I was proud of myself, managing to eat anything. Then I got hungry. We drank lots of water and I was scared I'd infect everyone. Churros and chocolate at midnight.

And since then... bbq-ing biscuits on the beach. And, they gave us dried fruit and seeds, we went to that cafe, and sat by the river with its floating debris and you ordered a cream tea for lunch and I managed a repeat by ordering a toasty. I like their toasties, there, it's like being a kid and ordering fish fingers. I haven't had fish fingers in so long.

We went camping, and ate pasta, and whisky in the pub, and cider, and for breakfast... baked beans on flatbread.

... I come to the conclusion that we should have eaten more. Drank enough. And that I should be more specific. That isn't everything. Selective.

Last night, there was whisky, and there was dark chocolate. I still haven't had a coffee, but I had an espresso just before. For all my suffocation of feelings it took you about three seconds to undo all my good work. And that was an endX

'In the world of mules there are no rules'