gel

Chaos = Life
Order = Habit.

Got it.

Will's still with the girl. So far. Yay.

I really miss Maya. -waves at- I say this not only because I've realised I could possibly see her within a month or so. Also because I'm listening to songs from Once and sobbing. Not sure why. Maybe because I feel like I meet people every day. Maybe because I keep forgetting I have a choice in anything I wish to have a choice in.



They put electrodes all over my head and fixed them on with gel which they inserted between the scary cap and my skull with a needle. It felt like they were squirting aliens onto my brain. It felt like they were disecting me. It felt like a head massage done by the dead. Then I sat at the screen and pressed buttons until the grey made my eyes go funny so that there were different shades all over it and the green and the yellow were one and nothing had any meaning.

Then I washed my hair and thought about the collapse of consciousness.

Investigating 'Eels', the band. Because I listened to them for half an hour through the wall. I wonder what it would be like to be tied to the earth by a rope, to be floating away... I think I know. It would feel like when you don't know whether to take that pill to make your headache go away. When you walk away from someone's eyes. When you smile at the exchange student and realise he's not up his own ass. When someone runs after you. When you pour tea from a teapot into your friend's teacup with its own chipped saucer.

Behind on all work.

Dropped a melted dark chocolate digestive on my presentation notes.

Face eating snot.

Amazing hyper moment earlier. Felt like I was back at Christian groups in Canford when the hot guy would try to show how Christian he was by talking to wierdo old me and then someone would pass the cookie tray and the smiley face sandwich one on it and I would get squeaky and jump around and he'd look painfully constipated or just embarrassed.

Which leads naturally onto someone who I'm going to call 'Guy', because that's his name. He always looks terrified of me. Unless he's completely drunk in which case he's about to leap on me. In which case he looks slightly less terrified and more determined. Not that he's done that recently, of course, but still... I've spoken about him before, and I'm still concerned about him. If only because people ask me how we're doing when we're clearly not 'we'...

Could we be?

No.

Maybe.

'Ever looked across a room and seen somone and been like, wow? Complete physical amazement. And then have you looked again and realised that's the person you're with? The one you're going to be going home with that night?'

I look over at her. She smiles. My mouth smiles back without me making it do so, and I tell her I know what she means.