‘The never-know house’

Song for today: St Vincent's 'The Party'.

You must be wondering why I’m not responding to anything. I don’t have any credit (everyone knows this). I don’t want to go backwards though. I only want to see my future, now. I’m not interested in my past, right now. I have no obsessions, nothing I want to do except things for the future, or completing things I have promised to do. I’m sorry for it. I’ve had life changing experiences (I can say this totally factually as things have happened to me, and I have seen things, and I have done things, which mean that I cannot go back to the way I lived before), and much of what I used to do has to go.

I no longer want to know who is reading this. I am only writing it because it needs to be said, somewhere, my thoughts need to be straightened, and I lost a notebook so I can no longer trust them.

I miss having ten or more people in my bed. I felt so alone in the space unoccupied by bodies and feet and sleepingbags this morning.

I have a new favourite place, although my soul still lives in the Sierra Nevada mountains, and this place is in Utah at the Salt Lake in the few moments before and during dawn. Flocks of birds silvered by the sun, whirling over the earth, the wide expanse of water, and land, rimmed but not limited by mountains at the edges, and then the sky, huge, overpowering...

In a haulting German accent: - 'If you had a girl whom you loved, who was moving on her life, and needed to be alone, and told you she did not love you, would you let her go?' - 'If you had a guy who you were not sure that you loved, but he loved you, and you had to choose between him and your new life, new friends, new work, what would you do?' Thanks David. Thanks for showing me the fall out.

Would you rather walk forwards, but stub your toe every step, or walk backwards for the rest of your life?

Would you rather fall in love with someone you'd never see again, or have someone you didn't love be obsessed and in love with you and always with you?

Would you rather stay indoors for the rest of your life, or have it rain wherever you were for the rest of your life?

Today my sisters took me to the 'never-know house'. It's called Dragons House, it says so on the gatepost. My seven year old sister, however, is convinced that rather than the dragons this clearly entails, a witch actually lives there. But she will never know because it only has two cars parked in the garage and you only see people (I am led to believe these are either slaves/ disguises/ magic) entering or leaving it. I've never seen such an ordinary residence for such an extraordinary being.

I summarily recommend the Green Tortoise to everyone. Particularly anyone who has any sort of obsession with anything, as they will be utterly cured.

The only issue is if you are an 18 year old girl who happens to be mildly straight. Especially if you have a prettier friend with you. (Not her or the Green Tortoise's fault, of course, as I could have told them. I could have told someone to get me out of there but I was trying to sleep.). You end up being dogged by some guy or other. I don't want love, now. I'm cured. Uninterested. Perhaps slightly scarred (you don't want to know where).