Sitting in computer room of library because I broke my extension lead for the plugs, so my computer has died. Again. Everything I have I keep losing/breaking/not charging/ messing up. I wish I was better with the word no. It’s all about the things I wish I hadn’t done.
I still love university, but I do now spend most of my time examining exactly how soaked in sin I am. I went to church yesterday. Woke up in someone else’s bed that morning so I went to repent and I kept going academic about the Bible passage – ahh yes, maybe Jesus is encouraging us in our suffering (their expectations of humanity are so low – it’s a matter of course that they should be criticised for their faith, apparently. I hate that. Self-centred...) but then actually that’s in John’s gospel and they’d just been thrown out of the synagogue so isn’t it actually just John trying to rally their spirits by making out that Jesus was right behind them? Every time I had a critical thought I was sure it was actually a devil in me. I’m awful. I need to grow out of just going along with what other people tell me to do.
I should go outside where it’s sunny, finally, after all this rain... but I feel too vulnerable. Why can’t I just stop being like this, wait around, fall in love, remember what love actually is...
Stop being such a romantic fucker. Spoke to a girl yesterday who claimed to be asexual and I said I was just sexual. She claimed romance. I blabbed out my sex life. She was shocked. Almost as shocked as the woman at the safer sex stall when I grabbed an entire handful of condoms and ran off. I think wearing pyjamas to do that really made it into an event.
I always was who I am.
My first lecture was incredible. I’m in love with Shwyzer the lecturer. I love Wimsatt, Foucault, Barthes (good old Ronald. It was like a familiar face, I felt like I was going home when I saw his quotes, is it bad I read him for fun last year? And beowolf too, thank god, because I am so behind on this reading.)
I adore everyone. If they could make a perfect person for me I’d mess it up with them. I’m far too loving. ‘Are you generous?’ ‘With my body, not with my opinions.’ No one takes me seriously, because I'm a terrible person.
Talked to Vivi on the phone yesterday and didn’t recognise her voice for a bit. She said, ‘I went to watch a plie’ and I was like, a plie? Apparently she was actually saying play, obviously... maybe she was just being funny.
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