Bluebells hang their heads in shame

but they still reach for the heights.

I’ve been in shock over the killings in Cumbria all day. There’s no reason, except that my brain said, I think I understand that, when I heard it. I’ve probably got it all wrong – but in my head, I can see why he did it. Things can feel so out of control. Like there’s nothing I can do about any of it. It would take something new, something strong, to make a person break out like that, but... I guess it was the suicide at the end which made me kind of feel I understand. Something which feels kind of ill inside me nodded and agreed and wished there was something I could do.

And then I realised what a cliché I really am. Even an emotion in me which shocks me has already been felt. Take Bob Dylan. He said:

‘I'll stand up and to get uncompromisable about it, which I have to be to be honest, I just got to be, as I got to admit that the man who shot President Kennedy, Lee Oswald, I don't know exactly where —what he thought he was doing, but I got to admit honestly that I too - I saw some of myself in him. I don't think it would have gone - I don't think it could go that far. But I got to stand up and say I saw things that he felt, in me - not to go that far and shoot.’

It’s got to be kidding. I really am just an echo. That’s from a great speech though. Dylan sometimes knew some things, but I’m not sure if he really felt any of it.

Song of the day: Xavier Rudd’s ‘Messages’. Amazing rhythms. Brings some peace into my mind. ‘you know some people they just don’t understand these things’ ... I just need to work out which ones are the people who are doing the not understanding. I think maybe that indicates it’s me.

Which needs it, given the nightmares which have been throwing themselves around. I’ve never had nightmares like these, far back as I can remember. They’re filled with creatures, with claws and huge eyes and they fill up everything and everywhere.

Last night was the worst.

Someone gave me a look which I can only describe as chilling. It made me feel like the back of my neck had frozen with fear and I didn’t even know that could happen. I was terrified. A look like everything inside me was ill and rotted and wrong. That look, from someone I know, or trust, or something. I’m sure they didn’t notice it. I didn’t know they could make me feel like that. If the look was true, I didn’t know I made them feel like that.

I finished The Go-Between by L P Hartley the other day. Who did I identify with? The water carrier? The messenger? Virgo, Aquilifer, Sagittarius. None of them, really, although Leo or Marian are perhaps the easiest to understand, for me, perhaps because they’re the two who are most convincingly portrayed. I don’t understand what Marian thinks she’s doing. I wish I understood myself.

Finally, I want you to know that when I see you, it’s like a light in all this.