My heart was never pure

Let me stain your hands.

How much can one think in one day? Turns out that ‘doing revision’ actually means drawing stars on your ankles, reading the living brain and listening to unprecedented amounts of music. And then stealing lines from the music because they are incredibly awesome, and trying to make them mine. Obviously that doesn’t quite really work. But it was fun.

Jesus, why is the girl next door so gorgeous? It makes me realise that clothes aren’t just for laughing at. And I don’t need to be reminded of that so often.

Go ahead. Ask me if I care, I’ve got the answer here somewhere... somewhere in my bag, let me look for it... maybe I dropped it back there? But hey look I’ve got whiskey here, will that do?

Woopsies.

Wednesday night:

Sat at the kitchen table thinking about the matrix, the sound of my teeth closing for each bite echoing in my head, slightly masked by a dull buzzing, oh my god, sometimes the sound of my life is so hard in my ears. Dull thud of others movements it’s not just ringing in my ears it’s the fridge buzzing.

-I’m scared you’re going to set the house on fire.
-I’m not doing anything involving fire.

She moves off, chanting, no fire, no fire, okay, no fire.

The cupcake in the microwave has been in there for so much longer than it needed to be but it shouldn’t be allowed to be called a mini cupcake, more a fragment of chocolate based fluff. It burns my tongue, right at the end. Molten chocolate sizzles away at the pink tip. Num tongue. Who thought of pineapple and guava as a drink?

Why am I the one doing these things? Do these actions have anything to do with me I don’t really want either thing, drink or chocolaty hydrogenate fake fragment of cake. Fucking cake, who thought of that, huh? Yeah it’s making mad. I want something on another order of things. And also, I don’t really want any of the available options. I don’t know. Someday I’ll crave all of them. Someday I’ll learn to keep my big mouth shut. Oh wait, maybe sometimes I have. I don’t always want to be who my actions make me be.

Sometimes in some ways but there’s no replacement not even in that chill I had when you looked at me. Dismissive? Recognition? Of me? Of my actions? Of my sins? For all that the preacher can knock me down sure as hell. Last night all those plus signs bobbing through my dreams. Didn’t know a glance could make me hate myself.

Don’t fuck around with me mr.

O god my sister’s playing Imagine again. Music... song for the day: Winter Winds by Mumford & Sons.

Anyway, what I was saying, about me and the dear old necrophilia-bestiality reverend sir is that he isn’t what I want to talk about, what I want to talk about is that glance and so on. That’s where I was, before the music hotwired my brain (my brian, good lord), and do I tell you? You, I think, would tell me. Bust is this reciprocal? What is anything, if not. And do I hate, abhor, detest it when I’m held in that balance?

Whatever I claimed before, I wanted that drink.

I never wanted the cupcake.

Why is life not like food choices?

Let me scribe from your head again sometime, it’s fun.

Every day I wake up with pearls imbedded in my skin. What a pretty corpse!

Okay, it’s true, I was caught trying to love someone again.

GURANTEED
‘On bended knee is no way to be free
lifting up an empty cup I ask silently
that all my destinations will accept the one that's me
so I can breath

Circles they grow and they swallow people whole
half their lives they say goodnight to wive's they'll never know
got a mind full of questions and a teacher in my soul
so it goes...

Don't come closer or I'll have to go
Holding me like gravity are places that pull
If ever there was someone to keep me at home
It would be you...

Everyone I come across in cages they bought
they think of me and my wandering
but I'm never what they thought
got my indignation but I'm pure in all my thoughts
I'm alive...

Wind in my hair, I feel part of everywhere
underneath my being is a road that disappeared
late at night I hear the trees
they're singing with the dead
overhead...

Leave it to me as I find a way to be
consider me a satelite for ever orbiting
I knew all the rules but the rules did not know me
guaranteed...’