Ask, tell.

I have to climb hills to find a sky where the horizons can hold me I am too used to other skies which stretch forever a lungful of stars sprayed across them and me warm and confused under them.

I go stir-crazy under these little ones, where you only see a noughts and crosses board’s worth of cloud, full like an eye before crying. The judgement passed by these skies is so different. Just looking at these closed covers I feel repressed. Pressed. Depressed. Is it just in my mind or is what we need a sunny sunny day?

Song for yesterday http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qz-FoGp3p0s, Laura Marling’s voice is amazing. I miss having my real speaking voice. I wonder how much a voice defines a person. Phone calls, voice recognition, programs in which the voice is used, technology stuff. A definable voice to define what you want, what you think, who you are.

Christmas Eve of all days. How amusing. I’m not getting confused. I got upset, which was unfair of me. Let me teach the world that when she writes 'I feel so alone' she means that she needs to be comforted before she goes crazy. Reading a blog from a woman claiming to be 60% straight and there it is again. Loneliness. Reading a blog from a girl who sits in parties staring at candles and again - solitude, negativity. The idea that the world is 'out there', judging. Are we incredibly childish to write these things down? Do they mean what they write, am I the only one who takes a teeny vial of emotion from a billion raging torrents and examines it until it could fool someone into believing that was all I was thinking?

I am thinking about the different bedrooms I have slept in in my life. I am remembering sharing a room with my brother. I remember him insisting the door was closed 'don't leave the door open lassy' and the fear that brought with it. I remember the feeling of the carpet burning my stomach as we lay on the floor to put our beanie babies and assorted other toys into battle formations. My brother used to make up intricate games, use dice to decide who won. He was a chess player, nothing if not logical.

Someone on tv said he played chess to help him win in his sport. Lots of decision making. I tried playing chess against the computer, too ashamed to try against a human as I don't know the rules. I lost very quickly.

When I have Fears that I may Cease to Be


When I have fears that I may cease to be
Before my pen has glean'd my teeming brain,
Before high-piled books, in charactery,
Hold like rich garners the full ripen'd grain;
When I behold, upon the night's starr'd face,
Huge cloudy symbols of a high romance,
And think that I may never live to trace
Their shadows, with the magic hand of chance;
And when I feel, fair creature of an hour,
That I shall never look upon thee more,
Never have relish in the faery power
Of unreflecting love;--then on the shore
Of the wide world I stand alone, and think
Till love and fame to nothingness do sink.
- Keats