Effluvium

I've started saying things to see people's reactions to them rather than because I mean them. This is bad. It's not what I want to be doing. The kind of person who does that is not who I want to be.

I kissed Jade and her cousin Roxy last night. Quite a lot. John said it was hot. Which was funny even if, in the cool light of day, it makes me feel a bit squeamish.

Why would I kiss girls?

1. They were running away from a scary big guy who wouldn't leave them alone, so I told him to fuck off and kissed them.
2. Is it also kind of because guys think it's hot?
3. Am I attracted to some girls? Am I questioning my sexuality again? (Is the reason I don't like this one because how selective which girls that could be is? Or is it because the idea of doing anything more than kissing with a girl strikes me as quite repellent?)
4. Is it because kissing no longer matters to me?
5. Do I just not care?

Thing is, I've started caring about something. In my own special way. Aidan. I made Matt and John come outside so that I could breath and weep about Aidan at them. I think I burst into tears more than once last night. I made the bar man tell me if my eyes looked okay afterwards. Repeatedly. He was lovely. The ones at that particular cocktail bar in Arena always are. Or maybe it's always the same one. So what's bothering me about Aidan? My perception of him as unobtainable? My rather affectionate feelings towards him? His opinion of me? What is going on here?

Huge amounts of gooey greeny yellowy face eating snot effluvia oozing from poor nose. How gross is that sentence? Effluvia is such a gross word.